i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
