Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize