so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
