please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
