you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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