About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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