Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
