just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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