It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
