Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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