he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
What a dumb baby whore.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We have so much sex to catch up on
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
