I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
