She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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