some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
