I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
