He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
