he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
