this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
