the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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