is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
