Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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