I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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