wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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