I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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