Someone shit on the floor
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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