eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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