i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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