I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
