so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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