If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
