she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
