Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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