she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We need to get me chipped asap
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
