now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
