Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
