I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
