between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
