Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
