Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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