You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
