at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I FOUND THE LEGS
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
