I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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