I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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