Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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