she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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