I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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