If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
