I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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