Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
