Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
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Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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