I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
