roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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