Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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